I also feel like it's tough to feel appreciated when it feels like you're putting in a lot of appreciation, and I feel like you do a lot of that -- at least from what I've seen on your ig stories. Friendship is about both maintenance as well as managing expectations, so I try to "time" my expectations by not having them for the most part -- which is different from enforcing boundaries. One of my girlfriends and I text a lot, and if one takes a long time to respond even tho we were rapidly responding to each other just recently, then they apologize for it like "sorry I was out and about" to reassure the other without needing to be asked. I also don't have expectations about my birthday because they might be busy when I'm expecting a call or happy birthday, but once that comes then it feels so special.
Thanks for writing this piece Kasra! Really resonated with these situations. When I was going through similar situations tho, sometimes I wonder if my friend has really “deprioritized” me, or if they are just loving me in their own way--which might not be how I expected them to do so. Like a friend of mine has so many friends and it can sometimes feel like I don’t get enough time with her to a point that I feel like she probably doesn’t care about me anymore. But then there are times when we did hang out or on special occasions where she wrote me a card telling me how much she loves and appreciates me, and I would then think, “um, maybe she does care.”
So I guess it kinda ties back to what you said with compassion, to understand the world that the other person lives in, and to not reflect on the relationship based only on your world view. And when you do feel the need, it’s ok to reach out and have an honest and kind conversation to build trust in the relationship, even if the relationship doesn’t last for as long as we’d hoped.
Thanks for writing this! But I have a question - when friends de-prioritize you, don’t you feel hurt, and when you feel hurt, how do you still love them or show them love?
I find it so difficult to do that. When friends don’t prioritize me or reach out much esp if they post all their new friends on social media, i feel so neglected and unwanted and betrayed in a way. How do you deal with that? Thank you!
What a wonderful piece. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I related to the last couple paragraphs. It's quite painful to accept rejection from others, especially from those that we love.
I chuckled at the part about feeling de-prioritized by your friends. I, too often, find myself calculating where I sit on my friends and acquaintances "friend list". Am I their #1 best friend? Or am I friend #2 ? Then I start paying attention to all the small things to try to figure out where I sit. They didn't reach out to me as much as I do for them. Who did they hang out with instead? How tiring! It's not easy, but I realized it's better for me to view all relationships as horizontal, instead of vertical.
I want to add that making your heart bigger isn't just caring for others and recognizing everyone's inherent worth, but also learning to love yourself. And loving others isn't as simple as caring for them or giving up your time, energy. The task of being able to bear your friend's emotional burdens requires you to process the difficult emotions that come up for you. Once you take care of yourself, your capacity for others grow and you can see the world with an unclouded eye.
I love ideas that generate more. Thanks for writing this Kasra.
really appreciated & resonated with piece! I think enlarging our hearts enough to accommodate for the inevitable asymmetry and transience of relationships is the only way we could love with sincerity. but like all wisdom, it is much easier said than done
This content is so important and this piece is so well written! Thank you for writing and sharing this Kasra!
My favourite bits:
1. The trouble with wisdom is that it's easy to forget.
2. Not in order to change how they look at you, but to change how you look at yourself.
I also feel like it's tough to feel appreciated when it feels like you're putting in a lot of appreciation, and I feel like you do a lot of that -- at least from what I've seen on your ig stories. Friendship is about both maintenance as well as managing expectations, so I try to "time" my expectations by not having them for the most part -- which is different from enforcing boundaries. One of my girlfriends and I text a lot, and if one takes a long time to respond even tho we were rapidly responding to each other just recently, then they apologize for it like "sorry I was out and about" to reassure the other without needing to be asked. I also don't have expectations about my birthday because they might be busy when I'm expecting a call or happy birthday, but once that comes then it feels so special.
Thanks for writing this piece Kasra! Really resonated with these situations. When I was going through similar situations tho, sometimes I wonder if my friend has really “deprioritized” me, or if they are just loving me in their own way--which might not be how I expected them to do so. Like a friend of mine has so many friends and it can sometimes feel like I don’t get enough time with her to a point that I feel like she probably doesn’t care about me anymore. But then there are times when we did hang out or on special occasions where she wrote me a card telling me how much she loves and appreciates me, and I would then think, “um, maybe she does care.”
So I guess it kinda ties back to what you said with compassion, to understand the world that the other person lives in, and to not reflect on the relationship based only on your world view. And when you do feel the need, it’s ok to reach out and have an honest and kind conversation to build trust in the relationship, even if the relationship doesn’t last for as long as we’d hoped.
I felt a few tears well up reading this. Reminds me of a bumper sticker I recently saw that said: “where are we going if not to love?”
Thanks for writing this! But I have a question - when friends de-prioritize you, don’t you feel hurt, and when you feel hurt, how do you still love them or show them love?
I find it so difficult to do that. When friends don’t prioritize me or reach out much esp if they post all their new friends on social media, i feel so neglected and unwanted and betrayed in a way. How do you deal with that? Thank you!
What a wonderful piece. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I related to the last couple paragraphs. It's quite painful to accept rejection from others, especially from those that we love.
I chuckled at the part about feeling de-prioritized by your friends. I, too often, find myself calculating where I sit on my friends and acquaintances "friend list". Am I their #1 best friend? Or am I friend #2 ? Then I start paying attention to all the small things to try to figure out where I sit. They didn't reach out to me as much as I do for them. Who did they hang out with instead? How tiring! It's not easy, but I realized it's better for me to view all relationships as horizontal, instead of vertical.
I want to add that making your heart bigger isn't just caring for others and recognizing everyone's inherent worth, but also learning to love yourself. And loving others isn't as simple as caring for them or giving up your time, energy. The task of being able to bear your friend's emotional burdens requires you to process the difficult emotions that come up for you. Once you take care of yourself, your capacity for others grow and you can see the world with an unclouded eye.
I love ideas that generate more. Thanks for writing this Kasra.
Beautiful cover art @Kasra!
I can't believe twitter recommended this at the right time. Going through a similar situation. Hard relate and great words to live by;
really appreciated & resonated with piece! I think enlarging our hearts enough to accommodate for the inevitable asymmetry and transience of relationships is the only way we could love with sincerity. but like all wisdom, it is much easier said than done
this is really beautiful and gives me so much perspective on how to deal with decaying friendships and being tender. thanks for writing this!
Ahh that last paragraph is gorgeous!
beautiful!